Single women wanting to marry can feel like finding a godly man is like finding water in the desert. A woman desires marriage but loves Jesus so she prays and waits and even searches for a godly man and as another year goes by she begins to wonder if becoming a wife and becoming a mother will ever be dreams realized.
This can lead to panic and when there is panic we are not in our right mind.
This can lead to despair and when there is despair we make decisions that are unwise.
Clarification: I am not the most qualified person to give advice to single women on dating or marriage. I am a pastor and love the women in the church I serve in. I am a father of three daughters and care deeply about the way they approach their singleness as they desire marriage.
The single woman wanting to marry has five choices:
- She Can Play House
She can decide that instead of waiting on God for an upstanding man, she’ll take her relational future into her own hands. She might sleep around. She might go out a lot. She might be on the prowl. She might go from one boyfriend immediately to another and because she’s revolved her psyche around having to have a guy in her life, when she does date a guy for a while, they’ll move in together and they’ll play house.
All of these things – sleeping around, partying, aggressively pursuing a boyfriend, not being content with a season of singleness, living with the boyfriend – these all get in the way of the relationship she has with the most important Man in her life: Jesus Christ.
(2) She Can Give Up On Her Dream
She can quit trusting God. She can quit hoping for marriage. She can quit praying for a man who loves Jesus to love her and help her love Jesus more. She can stop trusting men due to relational heartache in her past.
Giving up on love when there is still a desire for marriage is a cold decision because when anyone shuts their heart down they are blocking hope and joy in all aspects of life.
(3) She Can Settle
This is the most common decision a single, Christian women chooses when not wanting to wait on God’s plan for her desires and future.
A single woman settling is someone who has lowered her standards. She had a list of what she desired in a husband, a high standard, but over time she deletes character traits and habitual disciplines off the list.
So, originally she wanted to marry a man who had Jesus at the center of his life but now she’ll get serious with a guy who doesn’t mind that she loves Jesus. She used to get excited about the thought of dating a man who would pray with her but now she’ll be with someone who says things like, “The universe is going to work it out”. She used to dream of being with someone who would respect her, root for her, encourage her but for some reason she’s ended up with someone who only makes her think, “Yeah, I think we can probably make this work. I can put up with him.”
Settling in marriage will get her a man but it most likely will not get her a long-term, joy filled, God-honoring, adventurous marriage. There are much more worse things in her life than being single and one of those things is marrying a man who doesn’t love Jesus.
(4) She Can Allow Her Struggle As A Single Person To Define Her
A Christian woman’s identity is supposed to be Jesus. Jesus has died for her. Jesus has given her eternal hope through His resurrection. Jesus loves the entire person she is, good and bad. Jesus calls her beautiful. She is Jesus’ bride. Her self-worth needs to be in Him daily.
However, in long seasons of singleness, instead of considering it a joy to serve Jesus and others as she waits on God’s plan for her life, she believes being single is a negative thing and that perspective begins to weigh on her spirit in a devastating and defining manner.
She starts to believe the lies that she’s not lovely, that she’s not wanted, that she’s not desirable. She can easily, habitually, allow her singleness to be
Her perspective of God’s view of her during her singleness is so important.
Joyce Meyer says, “Patience is not the ability to wait but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.”
She needs worship in her singleness. She needs Scripture in her singleness. She needs encouraging, trusting Christian women in her life as close friends to keep her from believing that her suffering as a single person defines her.
(5) She Can Rest Daily By Trusting God
There is so much comfort for a single woman when she desires marriage but desires Jesus so much more. There is so much peace
Her desiring marriage is an indication of how strong her faith in God is because if she lives with a guy she’s not married to, if she just gives up on her dream of being a wife, if she settles and marries a guy who doesn’t have Jesus at the center of his life, if she allows her singleness to depress her, these are indications and examples that the blessing (marriage) was more important to her than the Giver of those blessings.
I would encourage all single women to allow their singleness to describe a part of them but to not let it define them. Singleness can be an aspect of her life but it can not be the center of her life.
She must remind herself each day that God cares for her more than any man will ever get close to when it comes to her best interests in mind. She must remind herself that she worships a God Who was single while on earth. She must remind herself that the first century church viewed singleness as a high virtue, that it was preferred to marriage, in order to fully live out their joy in Christ by ministering to others.
What a gift a godly man will have by finding a single woman who has earnestly pursued God every day, has placed her worth in Him and has chosen to give her time and her talents to serving others in His name!
Being single is not easy but neither is marriage. There is only true rest found by trusting in God no matter the relational status.
Thanks for reading! Encourage the single, Christian women in your life to stay focused on Jesus! You are loved!